Searching for the Summit

Hes got to make his own mistakes
And learn to mend the mess he makes
Hes old enough to know whats right
But young enough not to choose it
Hes noble enough to win the world
But weak enough to lose it ---


Something I overlooked yesterday was learning. Or at least the learning process. Today was another down day, but it has been on an upward trajectory since mid afternoon. Tonight at work one of the songs I listened to contained the above lyric, and I think it does a nice job o summing things up. I can see what to do...but I'm dumb enough not to do it. I see the faults in my past. Clearly this means I have grown. I am by no means suggesting that I won't make the same mistakes again, but I am suggesting that I now recognize my actions as mistakes...which sounds like a step in the right direction to me. I wish I could correct the errors in my past, but if i hadn't made them...I wouldn't recognize them as errors.

Poor old Granddad I laughed at all his words
I thought he was a bitter man
He spoke of women's ways
They'll trap you, then they use you before you even know
For love is blind and you're far too kind
Don't ever let it show

I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger.

The can-can such a pretty show
Will steal your heart away
But backstage back on earth again
The dressing rooms are grey
They come on strong and it ain't too long
For they make you feel a man
But love is blind and you soon will find
You're just a boy again

When you want her lips, you get her cheek
Makes you wonder where you are
If you want some more then she's fast asleep
you're just twinkling with the stars.

Poor young grandson, there's nothing I can say
You'll have to learn, just like me
And that's the hardest way, ooh la la
Ooh la la, la la, yeah

I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger.

Rod Stewart really hit the nail on the head here. Experience is the hardest way to learn. It causes pain. It hurts. But it sticks with you and you learn...sometimes you learn lessons you couldn't learn any other way.

Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Any heart, not tough,
Or strong, enough
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Im young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing, or two
I learned, from you
I really learned a lot,
Really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when its hot
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
Theyre not foolin me

I know it isnt true,
I know it isnt true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh,ooh love hurts
Ooh,ooh love hurts

I know it isnt true,
I know it isnt true
Love is just a lie,
Made to make you blue
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Life sucks sometimes. It sucks to be hurt. It sucks to hurt people. It sucks to have regrets. It sucks to miss great opportunities. It sucks to take people for granted, and sucks to be taken for granted. It sucks to care, to cherish, to 'love' and to not have it reciprocated.

But all of life's shit...and sometimes there are heaps...should serve one key purpose, it should remind you how great the good times are and make you cherish those you love, those who treat you well and those you enjoy, and the blessings we all have even more.

Succombing to Challenges

The last few weeks have been rough on me. Searching for purpose can feel so hopeless sometimes. Watching my Freshman friends enjoy the things I missed out on, or ignored, or even avoided. College right now feels like another thing I can add to my long list of missed experiences and missed opportunities. It really frustrating to look back and see what an idiot I was. I certain have come along way, but I wish I could find that little Freshman who wasted his time and his parents money. That little freshman that had something great and let it go. That little freshman who almost threw it all away. I want to talk sense into him. I want him to realize how lucky he was, and how greedily he acted.

I want to take the sophomore version of me and make him leave the house. I want him to spread his wings. I want him to meet new people. I want him to seize the opportunity while there is still time. I want him to realize what he had...and gave away. I want him to feel the love he ignored, mend the hearts he broke, apologize for the shit he gave people. I want him to meet the great people he missed out on.

Then there is the Junior version of me. The current model, that possesses some of the same kinks as the previous model, just with a fresh coat of paint. First semester rusted his paint job. It poked holes in his chassis and weakened his supports. He held things together most of the time. He fought hard...he opened himself up. He tried. He persisted. He grew.

Paul Simon says "losing love is like a window in you heart." So is never having it, I know people care for me, but its different. I threw myself open, twice. The first time I threw it away...I was a fool and fucked up a great opportunity. The second time a got a rejection...and another person in my place. I never really reacted. I just glazed over. I am happy for the person. It just is rough to go all in with a straight flush, and loose to a royal flush. I felt like shit. I still feel like shit. I try to cover it with a happy veneer but it feels fruitless. It feels like everything I have to give isn't enough. It feels like the best of me isn't all that great...and that hurts worse than anything.

Geneva has this aura of being a place where relationships find those who really want them. I have singlehandedly debunked that rumor. Maybe its because im uncouth. Maybe its because im an individual. Maybe its because im not a prince charming in appearance, physique, or wealth. But, it is frustrating to no end to watch girl after person get treated poorly by guys who really don't deserve a relationship, or respect who/what they have, or don't even want relationship they just want some ass. Not saying that I haven't been guilty of the same way of acting or thinking, I have...it was dumb, disrespectful, and hurtful to all parties involved. It just doesn't seem fair.

I know things will come my way in time. I know there is a plan. I know im being impatient. And I a sure some people will see this as a whiny 'woe is me' style tirade...and it has elements of that. I just see all that I have thrown away like a whim...and I don't want to loose another moment. I don't want to wast another learning experience. I don't want to miss another deep conversation. I don't want to miss helping a friend so I can sit on facebook or do something that is fun for me. I want to give of me to people. I want to be open, honest, and me...and I only as them in return. I want to live, not just exist. I want everyone to live. I spent 2 years of college collecting moss and not being active. Its time to strip all of the detritus away and be.

Upward Trajectory

The last few weeks have been a very positive time for me. I had a difficult early portion of the semester, as I extrapolated upon last week. But, after a few watershed moments, I find myself on a path that is returning to the path God desires for me to follow. The key over the next few weeks will be to keep my momentum and keep myself moving in the direction I am hoping to move in. I find myself right now at a crossroads, and I can wait to see how all these unique convergent ideas, experiences, and people work together to form the experience of my Junior year.

Feeling Loved

After a weekend filled with conviction and spiritual aliveness like I haven't experienced in a long time I found myself carrying a great deal of spiritual and emotional momentum into this week. The love that God has for me burned inside in a way that I haven't experienced in a long time. I have been spiritually dead for the last few months. Before two weeks ago I had not attended a church service thus far this semester. Additionally, after church I was not feeling refreshed in the way that I was used to. Life was on a bit of a downward spiral and I was not treating those around me in the manner that I should. All of this came to a head over Homecoming weekend when I had the first major breakdown that I have had in nearly two years. During this time I acted in embarrassing fashion towards many people that I care a great deal about. I didn't sleep for a period of 60 hours or so, smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes and felt myself in a state of constant unrest and emptiness.

But, over the past few weeks with the help of some great friends and God I have found myself on the other side of the valley. I feel like after this weekend I'm nearing a mountain top experience. I am excited about some new relationships I have formed, and the place I am in with God. So, this week was looking to be a good one, until someone made it a great week today. I received a mailing today that was extremely encouraging and made me feel loved and truly cared about. It was a small gesture, but it has had immeasurable effect on my week and my psyche.

Musical Musings: The Great Headphone Mystery

The most common question I receive from my peers outside of "What is your name?" is without doubt "Why the big headphones?"

Now often times I have to remove my large auditory appendages from my ear and kindly as them to repeat the question, as I cannot hear much through the headphones if I wanted to. Additionally, when I have them on I become subsumed in the music pulsing through them and I can, if for just the briefest of moments, separate myself from all my stress and obligations and focus in on a collection of chords, voices, instruments and composition.

So, no..I am not trying to be rude, I love talking to people. But as we all do it is a way for me to cope, and often time a way for me to feel God, and to feel a sense of balance that can be so difficult to achieve.

Mystery: Solved

Some Nice Music

Since Music is in the title, I suppose is should share song. Here is a great young artist who I have been a fan of for a while, but was only able to identify him a few moments ago.

Here is a link to Ben Sollee's song "How to See the Sun Rise"




Also, the video is posted on my Facebook page.

I will sit down and compose something of greater interest later, but I don't have the time now, so I suppose I will talk to you all later!

My New Blog: A Fresh Start with Renewed Resolve and Purpose

Welcome one and all!

Hopefully I will be a bit more faithful with this blog than my last. The intent of this space is to foster discussion about life, music, film, and whatever else may come up in conversation. I intended to utilize this space as a place where I can transcribe feelings into text, and that will happen in a candid format, and I appreciate when that same open and honest conversation comes from those who respond and read my blogs. If you think I'm wrong..tell me, I like being challenged to prove my points, and like hearing the counter to points I make.

Please feel free to bring up subjects you would like to discuss or blogs you would like me to post or link to this page, I am a big fan of interconnectedness and would like to see this page become a crossroads where many different blogs, people and ideas can intersect and communicate.

That's all for this time as it is late and sleep seems a good idea!