Succombing to Challenges

The last few weeks have been rough on me. Searching for purpose can feel so hopeless sometimes. Watching my Freshman friends enjoy the things I missed out on, or ignored, or even avoided. College right now feels like another thing I can add to my long list of missed experiences and missed opportunities. It really frustrating to look back and see what an idiot I was. I certain have come along way, but I wish I could find that little Freshman who wasted his time and his parents money. That little freshman that had something great and let it go. That little freshman who almost threw it all away. I want to talk sense into him. I want him to realize how lucky he was, and how greedily he acted.

I want to take the sophomore version of me and make him leave the house. I want him to spread his wings. I want him to meet new people. I want him to seize the opportunity while there is still time. I want him to realize what he had...and gave away. I want him to feel the love he ignored, mend the hearts he broke, apologize for the shit he gave people. I want him to meet the great people he missed out on.

Then there is the Junior version of me. The current model, that possesses some of the same kinks as the previous model, just with a fresh coat of paint. First semester rusted his paint job. It poked holes in his chassis and weakened his supports. He held things together most of the time. He fought hard...he opened himself up. He tried. He persisted. He grew.

Paul Simon says "losing love is like a window in you heart." So is never having it, I know people care for me, but its different. I threw myself open, twice. The first time I threw it away...I was a fool and fucked up a great opportunity. The second time a got a rejection...and another person in my place. I never really reacted. I just glazed over. I am happy for the person. It just is rough to go all in with a straight flush, and loose to a royal flush. I felt like shit. I still feel like shit. I try to cover it with a happy veneer but it feels fruitless. It feels like everything I have to give isn't enough. It feels like the best of me isn't all that great...and that hurts worse than anything.

Geneva has this aura of being a place where relationships find those who really want them. I have singlehandedly debunked that rumor. Maybe its because im uncouth. Maybe its because im an individual. Maybe its because im not a prince charming in appearance, physique, or wealth. But, it is frustrating to no end to watch girl after person get treated poorly by guys who really don't deserve a relationship, or respect who/what they have, or don't even want relationship they just want some ass. Not saying that I haven't been guilty of the same way of acting or thinking, I have...it was dumb, disrespectful, and hurtful to all parties involved. It just doesn't seem fair.

I know things will come my way in time. I know there is a plan. I know im being impatient. And I a sure some people will see this as a whiny 'woe is me' style tirade...and it has elements of that. I just see all that I have thrown away like a whim...and I don't want to loose another moment. I don't want to wast another learning experience. I don't want to miss another deep conversation. I don't want to miss helping a friend so I can sit on facebook or do something that is fun for me. I want to give of me to people. I want to be open, honest, and me...and I only as them in return. I want to live, not just exist. I want everyone to live. I spent 2 years of college collecting moss and not being active. Its time to strip all of the detritus away and be.